Don't take this for grani...tay?

Look what came in the mail...

I was so excited I wanted to take my bra off and jump on a trampoline!  It's like giving a fat girl a free pair of Spanx with her banana split!  Just for going to a place I was already headed  and buying the stuff I was already going to buy....I get a free blanket...sign me up!!!!

There they are....a whole box of hideous blankets that are kind of the color of raw meat.  And why is THIS a baby blanket....you might as well just wrap your baby up in a skirt steak and call it a day!  Nothing says "Welcome Baby" like cattle silhouettes on a blood red piece of felt!  I guess it's better than this though....

Oh no you didn't! Yes I did!  I mean...I found this cake in the ....uuum...store...and I don't know who made it.....;)

So enough playing around!  Let's shop...

Oh yes ma'am!  I have always wanted to taste fresh lychee!!  I know these are more common now thanks to the bar scene...."Girl, you know me and Star'keisha were backin it up at Vision on Friday night with our Lychee Martinis with two "churries" and a straw!"  Okay that kind of lychee is way different than this...and I never knew...fresh lychee has a perfume like quality that is lost in the canning process.

I'm glad I found this bin because I was gonna get this Thai okra...

Oh buddy....chin up.....it happens to alot of people.....(yikes)

Okay I have my lychee and my blanket....now lets cook...

Aren't these beautiful....like fat little raspberries.....you just wanna punch one....
We have to peel them...

Oh my God....there's an olive inside....what an evil trick!  Just kidding....like I actually have to say "just kidding" on this blog...I should change the name of this blog to "Just Kidding"....Lol...just kidding I won't...okay I'm gonna stop saying just kidding now............                                                      just kidding :)

But for real....Olives are awful and they should all be punished

So remove the skin and pit and the lychee is ready for the party!
Because the flavor of lychee is so delicate....I need to make something light so we don't lose the flavor...and I know just the thing....Granita!

So Granita (pronounced like it is spelled or like gran-i-tay) is an icy treat from Italy.  And it's toads easy to make....along with some other juices/drinks I found at the market...

I have never seen this before....it's really tasty...and if you fall asleep in the sun with your mouth open, it will soothe your throat sunburn;)

And instead of using water for our simple syrup, we are going to use coconut water!

This stuff is so good!  If I were president, I would change all tap water to coconut water....which is why I will never be president!  But that would be a treat every time you turn on the faucet!

Yum!  It's a little chunky...but you'll get used to it....
That line sounds like the start to a failed marriage! ;)

Okay here is the recipe....

Lychee Granita

1/2 cup sugar
1 cup coconut water
1 1/2 cups lychee drink/juice (this comes in a can as well)
1 cup aloe vera drink
1/2 cup coconut milk
1/2 cup fresh lychee, chopped
toasted coconut for garnish

Here we go...
First we have to make a simple syrup...
So bring the sugar and coconut water to a boil...

Then turn the heat off and add the other juices and the chopped lychee.
Let this cool in a shallow pan....

Now into the freezer:)

Now you want to let it freeze for a couple hours but the crucial step is that you scrape the pan with a fork every 20 minutes or so.  This will give you the flaky ice texture!

first scrape....

A few scrapes later....

Yay! It's ready!

Top with toasted coconut, and you have yourself a little cultural snowball!  It's super good and refreshing!

And as for the blanket....

It went to my little baby dog Brady...well he's my step dog...but I love him as my own...

"This year the role of Baby Jesus will be played by Brady Burns and his meat blanket"

For Real!!!! He almost got taken by the rapture!

Merry Christmas!

More to come....hold please

"Big in Japan" Tater Salad

Translation, translation, translation.....
Wow sometimes it just doesn't translate!

This week I started on the "product" end of the farmer's market and damn did I score on material.  I'm not sure who is in charge of translating product names into English but I think they should hire Rosetta Stone to consult....I hear she knows her shit!

I get it....sometimes things do not translate literally into English....but could we at least have a meeting about it!

Jesus!  You might as well make Unicorn pie with Mermaid ice cream.....children should never see this.  It's not even really pie!   I love the slogan...."Boundless merriment with friends getting together"...yea while their children cry in the corner because mommy and daddy are eating butterflies!

Oh here's a good one....

Talk about generic!  Could they be any less specific.  I wonder if the people at Starburst ever thought to call them "colorful chews".  And since when did "pie ces" have a space in the middle...

What's this....

It looks like a jar full of.....well let's just say it looks familiar.  Actually coconut sports sound like fun....
I was gonna buy this but I didn't want to spend $2.15 on a jar that could possibly get me pregnant.  Just kidding...I'm a man...and not a seahorse...I have got to stop watching Blue Planet!

Carry on....

This makes no since!  Love Letters?  Those don't look like "coffee flavored red egg rolls" to me.  Nothing says I love you like....coffee flavored red egg rolls....It's the new diamond ring....really...

And how about these crackers that make you crap...

At least Jamie Lee Curtis uses the name "Activia" to disguise her yogurt that makes you poop.  And the brand name is Ego....talk about ego when you are spending the night in the bathroom while all of your friends enjoy...non...digestive...crackers. 

I can't! Change the name! Now! Let me just say the if your "cockle" is "seasoned" you should hit up a doctor!

Okay this isn't so much about translation as it is just funny.  Yam Jam sounds like lesbian dance party to me! Ha Ha

Okay enough....let's cook something.

So this week I am thinking...Japanese.  I love sushi.  A couple weeks ago I bought this Mayo just to taste it...

It's like the mayo you get at sushi places...a little sweet and totally different than American mayo. But!...I have decided to make a Southern fave....potato salad! Or tater salad. I always make potato salad with three different kinds of potatoes....red potatoes, sweet potatoes, and Jerusalem potatoes (purple potatoes)

Here is the recipe....

3 # potatoes
8 oz. can whole water chestnuts
1/4 cup Kewpie Mayonnaise
1 T. rice wine vinegar
2 t. Wasabi (you can get this is a little tube at the farmer's market)
1 t. garlic chili paste (from the makers of Sriracha)
1 t. Sriracha
1/4 onion, diced
salt and pepper
sesame oil

Oh...by the way...If the nutritional facts on the back of something are in a different language that you don't understand....then it's fat free...

So this mayo is totally healthy;)

I start by roasting the potatoes....

The sweet potatoes are a little large so I am going to skin them and cut them up...

Look and the purple one...

Ooooooooo! who needs butterfly pie!

So toss the potatoes in a little sesame oil (about 2 Tablespoons) and a little salt and pepper
Then roast them uncovered at 400 degrees for about 40 minutes or so...

Now for the dressing...

Whisk the following ingredients together:
1 t. sesame oil
mayo
vinegar
wasabi
garlic chili paste
Sriracha
salt and pepper

Now chop the water chestnuts...

Add these and the onions and stir.....

Yum!  Cool the potatoes and give them a rough chop
Add them to the dressing and stir....

Once the salad is done....you can top it with toasted sesame seeds or a little pickled ginger (Mmmmmm!) Here is the kind I got...

Here it is...

It's really good! Yay!
Cheers!!!!

Cheers to "Big in Japan" potato salad, to hilarious translation, and to me....for going to the farmer's market...buying products that are not in English...and praying that I didn't just drink whale pee....

Oh and cheers to this guy...

See what happens when you eat too many digestive crackers!  He'll learn!

Oh and one more thing....I love this....

Oh crap....and I forgot my quill pen:)  Here's a cheaper way to make your wedding invitation calligraphy...."Please join us for our beautiful day....and sorry your invitation smells like a fart."

More to come....hold please!

Fried Crack and The Sandwich of Life

Hello all.  Wow what a weekend....a royal wedding and a dead terrorist! Cray cray.

It's funny...walking through the farmer's market...I can't stop singing songs from Aladdin in my head.  I guess because of all the footage on the death of Osama bin laden....

Then I start to think...what ever happen to those crazy  kids from that movie....the farmer's market always has the answers....

See...

Jasmin got her own line of hair products.  I always knew she would transition from cartoons into modeling.  She can show you the world....and how to get your hair did....I guess it must be the dry desert air.

Oh look and here is Jafar....

The years have been good to him....and he adopted a baby!  Well good for him! I love his cute new dress...that black one did nothing for his figure.  Forever 21 is really making some cute Asian inspired dresses these days! Love it Jafar.


Okay for serious....Let's find something to cook. 
So this is not too uncommon but I have never made anything with it.  So I'm gonna try....

When I was in culinary school back in the day......we used to call this butt squash or crack squash....but really it is Chayote squash.  There are two kinds ususally found at the market....this kind....and Mexican chayote squash....which looks like this....

Damn you Mexicans and your sharp vegetables....seriously... use tongs!!  I picked this thing up and it stabbed me....

Asshole!

Anyways...I got both so I could compare and they both taste about the same....kind of cumcubery potatoish.  I haven't fried anything yet on this blog so I'm thinking about frying this puppy.

Joshua's Fried Crack ;)

4 chayote squash, sliced
1 1/2 cups of vegetable oil
1/2 cup milk
2 eggs
1 cup flour
1/2 cup corn meal
1/2 cup bread crumbs
salt and pepper to taste
white pepper
ground mustard
garlic salt or grandulated garlic

Crack dip

8oz. sour cream
1 T. horse raddish
salt and pepper to taste
2t. whole grain mustard
1 T. fresh dill
1/2 t. ground mustard


Okay!  Let's do it.  Just for the record this frying recipe can be used for other things as well....green tomatoes, fish, etc.

So the squash has this little soft seed inside.  You wanna cut that out and then cut slices about a quarter inch thick. 

Now we have to get our fry station set up.  I put the oil in a deep pot and turned it to medium high heat. 
Next, you need to mix the milk and eggs together and whisk....

The flour goes on one plate by itself.....and the cornmeal and bread crumbs go together on another plate. The reason why I did not include a measurement for the seasonings is because this will be up to your discretion....I season things heavily (damn southerner!) but you can use as much as you like.  You need to season the flour and the bread crumb mixture.

Okay here is what it should look like....

Crack squash, then flour, then wet ingredients, then dry, then oil, then a plate covered with a paper towel.
Let's go.

Into the flour first....

Then the egg junk...

Breading.....

And then the pot....

Fry on each side for a couple minutes....until brown...

Yes ma'am...

Okay...now for the dipping sauce....just put all ingredients in a bowl and mix....easy!

Wait for it.....

Yummmmmmm!!!  They are super good.....take that ugli shrimp 

And here is the kicker....this is one way to serve it...but I have a better one;)

Oh yes I did....

BLT!!!  Well more like bacon, lettuce, tomato,and fried crack....or as I like to call it...
The sandwich of life:)  I ain't 'fraid a no toast.....a little Ghostbuster humor

Let's build this mofo....

Toast the bread and spread a little dipping sauce on each side.

Now add the lettuce...

Tomatoes...

Crack...

Bacon...

And the crowning glory...

A fried egg....God I love fried eggs...If I could I would sleep with one under my pillow...that's gross

Here it is folks....The Sandwich of Life....

No he didn't.....yes I did!

Oh now you're just showing off.

So before I go I must show you a funny picture from the Farmer's Market...

Since when did Jelly become so much of a hassel that it has to come in portable form.
I can see it now.....
friend:  "I'm so glad you guys came to brunch!"
me: " Yeah I was gonna bring the grape jelly that you love,but it wasn't portable....and we were just scared to bring the whole jar, ya know......maybe next time."

Cray!

Oh and thanks to my friend Lori MacAlpine-Smith for the new look of my blog!  You rock boo!
And thanks to the Breakfast BLT at Highland Bakery for the inspiration for the Sandwich of Life:)
Lastly, thanks to my sister and brother-in-law for finding this awesome cookbook for me....

Do you know how many people this bitch would love to toss some hot soup on?...I won't name names....but you know who you are!


More to come.....hold please...