Sunday, April 24, 2011

Ugli Shrimp:(

Let me start this week by saying Happy Easter.  And in the spirit of the holiday, I figure it is only right to show you my Easter treat.  I found this at the Farmer's market....
They call it a Russian Easter Cake.....but it kind of looks like a penis with sprinkles on top! yikes!
And here is the best part....read the ingredients...

If the seventh ingredient on that list is true, then why the hell is this cake so dry!  Talk about a multipurpose pastry....you can serve this at a party and then it will water your lawn! Ha ha!

Oh before we get started with a recipe, look at this sign...
Great advice!  The funniest thing about this photo is that I didn't intend to take this picture....the camera just went off in my hand....it must have been the Easter Cake;)

Alright....

So I realized that next time I venture to the market, I'm gonna have to start at the end and work my way to the front.  You see, all the produce is at the front, so I end up finding something before I have a chance to look around.  This week I found two things I had to buy. Here is the first....

It's called Ugli Fruit....for real...I didn't make that up.  The picture does it justice...this thing really is ugly.  It looks like an elderly grapefruit.  Oh that's mean...this could be some little orange's grandmother!

So I lob the top off.....it kind of looks like an orange inside....the only difference is that this thing is like peeling a basketball.

So the ugli fruit has a mild citrus flavor with a tiny bitter finish.  I picked up some awesome shrimp at the market so I'm thinking of a crisp and summery shrimp salad or ceviche.  Let's juice it!!

Just for the record....if you do not have a juicer....go get one....it will change your life!!
So now that we have our ugli juice ( I know people who drink this regularly ;), I have to figure out how to incorporate the other item.  I've seen this thing plenty of times. so this time I decided to get one.  It's a Mamey Sapote.....
Here's the deal....all I know about this fruit is that it is supposed to have a sweet potato like taste and an avocado like texture.  It has a striking resemblance to a cake I once saw....

Oh wait....

It's like twins!!  I wonder if he's thirsty....

Drink your Ugli juice Shelby!! Ha Ha! 
And if you don't understand that Steal Magnolias reference you should be ashamed of yourself!

Okay, I looked up some videos about how to cut this thing and no one said to use a chainsaw....but that is pretty much what you need!  I don't think I got a ripe one:(  It's like trying to cut open a bowling ball. Here is what it looks like inside...

Oh God help me.  Is this where babies come from....we need to pray....Dear sweet Baby Jesus...please erase this image from my brain and forgive me for posting it on the Internet and forgive me for saying this is where babies come from and please continue to bring babies via stork.....love, Joshua

Okay. Ugh.  I can't believe I have to taste this.....(insert joke here)...I won't even touch that one.  Let's just say this is not consumable!  I might as well have eaten a pine cone...at least my mouth would have tasted blood....and not this thing....I'm gonna try this one again soon.....I just got a bad one:(

Now I am thinking about a spicy shrimp appetizer....here goes...

Ugli Shrimp

ingredients:
1# (21-25) Shrimp...just for the record, the numbers used to identify shrimp is just the amount that would roughly be in one pound.  So we are gonna get 21 to 25 shrimp in this pound.
2 Slices of yellow onion
1 T. or 2 cloves garlic, chopped
1/2 cup Ugli juice (or orange juice...I'll explain why later...it's a sad story...keep reading)
1 T. seasoned rice vinegar
1 T. honey
1 t. chili sauce
1 t. siracha
salt and pepper to taste

First you want to peel and de-vein the shrimp.  Using a small knife, you slice the top side of the shrimp like this...
And then clean out the poop...gross....sorry....

Now, saute the onions (very finely chopped) and garlic in a scoshe of olive oil ( a scoshe is just a tiny bit...I don't even know if it is a real word...it's pronounced "skowsh") and no I didn't make that word up.

Meanwhile, we are going to mix together our honey, paste, siracha, rice vinegar, ugli juice, and a pinch of s and p...in a separate bowl. 
Once the onions and garlic have browned, deglaze the pan with a splash of white wine.


And using a wooden spoon, scrape all the goodness off the bottom of the pan:)
Now add the ugli juice mixture and let the liquid reduce a little.

Now add the shrimp and cook until the shrimp turn pink....

Okay here is where the sad story starts....:(((((
SO apparently ....when you cook the ugli juice down it turns super ass bitter!  So what I'm saying is that this dish is terrible....I even tried to add a little lemon juice to lift it...
Yea that didn't work ...now it tastes like lemons and ass....


So this is a learning experience for all of us...see I never said every recipe would work out.
The recipe is not lost though...I remade the dish and replaced the Ugli juice with orange juice and it is fantastic.... SEE


Yum!!!  I'm still sad....I got a cake that looks like a penis, a fruit that looks like a vagina, and an elderly bitter grapefruit....this was not a successful trip to the Farmer's Market...but none the less we got a recipe out of it.

Happy Easter all!!  More to come....hold please....

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Cupcakes with "Klass"

I know I spelled it wrong....there's a point....just read!

So this week for my Farmers' Market find, I was inspired by a picture I recieved from my buddy Jason Ellis.  He was at Chelsea Market in NYC and found this little nugget...
That's so cute I wanna punch it. 
So as I wander through the market I keep seeing all the baby stuff for sale...

Baby bananas... BTW when I spell  "bananas", I still sing that Gwen Stefani song in my head...B-A-N-A-N-A-S...gross i know....
Baby bok choy....i wonder if there is really a baby named Bok Choy....that would be hilarious!...

Baby corn....personal faves:)...

Fish babies....I still hate this....why would you buy anything with a face....yuck.
And lastly,  the baby that started it all......

Baby Jesus!  Do you think he really wants to endorse this candle!?  I mean....it smells like my Maw maw's house....which usually smells like roses and ointment....
Oh look here he is again posing as a twin....
BJ is totally a candle pusher! 
Why would you even think about stealing something from this store while this little nugget is watching from high on a shelf in his little pink dress.  I totally should have bought one!

So now I am thinking about kids....I have to make something for kids.  I find myself on the Mexican koolaid aisle...and yes...there is a Mexican koolaid aisle....BINGO!

Okay let me explain.  Horchata is a delicious drink made from rice and flavored with cinnamon.  I had it when I first moved to Atlanta.  A friend of mine took me to the Farmers' Market for the first time and gave me this drink.  I remember it tasting like ice cream....soooo good. 
So since I have had this before I feel as though I am cheating on my own blog.....but for the sake of the children....I can't make something too "out of the box"....so I will make something that comes in a package:)  And I know just the thing.....CUPCAKES!!!!

How funny is it that the brand name is Klass!!  And it's on sale!!!

2 for $5!...Sign me up!  Artificially flavored....no shit!  How many times have you bought "natural" koolaid?...that's called juice! So Klassy:)

Joshua's Klassy Cupcakes
AKA: Horchata Coconut cupcakes with browned buttercream

ingredients:
1 1/4 cups Klass Horchata drink mix:)
1 cup white sugar
1 cup butter, soft
3 eggs
2 1/2 cups flour
1t. baking powder
1/2 t. baking soda
1/2 t. salt
1 cup sour cream
1/3 cup milk
1 T. vanilla
1 cup coconut, shredded, raw

Browned butercream:
2 sticks butter
2 cups confectionery sugar
1 cup milk


Okay first we are going to brown the butter for the buttercream so it can cool before we mix...

Place the 2 sticks of butter in a skillet on high and let melt...


Now let the butter brown on high for 6 of 7 minutes.  You do not want to burn it so stay close.  What you are doing here is browning the milk solids in the butter to achieve a nutty taste...

You can use a spoon to check by scraping the bottom...you should get these little brown pieces.  Pour the browned butter into a cool bowl and let it cool...

Okay now for the cupcakes...

Mise en place...

So first we are going to cream the butter with the Klass and sugar.  So place these three ingredients into the bowl of a mixer and cream with a paddle until light and fluffy....about 5 minutes or so....it should look like this...

Light, Fluffy, and Klassy!

Now add the eggs...on at a time...making sure each is fully incorporated before adding the next...

Okay....there is a reason for this.  So when you cream the eggs and sugar...you are making millions of air pockets.  These pockets are then filled slowly with eggs (hence the "one at a time" thing) not to overwhelm the batter....so sensitive;)  So when the cake is baking, the eggs begin to cook and expand...this starts the leavening process...take that culinary school...your welcome.

Okay, so once the eggs are in and incorporated, you can add the baking powder, baking soda and salt to the flour.....

Then give it a good whisking to break up any lumps...this is also known as the "ghetto sift"
Now, while the mixer is on low speed, alternate the flour mixture and the sour cream into the batter in three additions.....letting each addition incorporate well before adding the next. Then add the milk.
Fold in the vanilla and milk next.
BTW... this is the vanilla I used....

That's right....vanilla essence...cause we are "klassy";)

Lastly, give the batter a few good shavings of fresh nutmeg....

Freshly grated nutmeg is a must....it's so much better than the preground junk....mmmmm smells like Christmas...BJ's birthday...duh!

Now fill the cupcake liners and bake at 350 degrees for about 10 minutes or so...just until they spring back a little....

Now for the icing!!!

Place the cooled brown butter in the mixer on low.  Add the milk and sugar and beat with a whisk attachment until light and fluffy...

Now ice the cooled cupcakes and decorate how ever you choose...just make sure they look "klassy".
I topped some with sprinkles and others with toasted coconut....

Yum!  They are super sweet but super good.  That's all for now.  I would like to thank Jason Ellis for the inspiration, the Hispanic community for their wonderful Klass koolaid, and most importantly...Baby Jesus for watching over me as I shop at the Farmers' Market....
More to come...hold please...

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Dragon Salsa

So that is a terrible name for a dish.  It's either a really spicy dip or a very dangerous dance. 

So this week I am headed to Super H Mart
I'm not so sure what the "H" stands for but I think it's "happy".  At least that's how this place makes me feel! So I have to find something I've never seen.  But before I begin the hunt....I decided to take a couple of pictures. This place has some hilarious shit!

First of all I see this....

Really Mr. H?!!  Do we sell that much eel that it necessitates a sign....let alone it's own section.

Oh and this....
Talk about fiber.  This is something you would have to eat in the bathroom.  But
I would at least taste it:)

And if you eat this stuff your hair will catch on fire....

That's gotta be some hot crap!

And here is my favorite...

Which one of these would you put in your grocery cart?  Let's do the equation....shall we...
Red Yeast X Cheese = y/ a heavy dose of antibiotics....gross...natural cracker my ass....
but I totally bought the sesame kind!

and last (and least)...

I'm calling PETA...

Okay, so since last time I got something really ugly to cook, I thought  maybe I should find something more attractive than that Jack Fruit.

And here it is friends....

OMG!!!  Unicorn eggs!...not really. But when I saw this bin full of these beautiful babies, I squeezed my butt cheecks together so tight... I think I pulled a muscle in my back!  So exciting. It's mine!!!

Alright so this guy is called the Dragon Fruit (pitaya) and he is so pretty.  I find it strange that this is a "dragon" fruit...it should totally be the Unicorn Fruit.  Look at this thing!  A dragon it is not.  I guess when I think of dragons I think of the beast that Maleficent turns into at the end of Sleeping Beauty....scary!...sorry..that was the gayest thing I've ever said...I appologize to everyone involved.  But for real, Unicorn Fruit is well suited.  BTW..if I get this thing home and it is not filled with glitter...I will be pissed!

If you ask me, THIS looks more like a dragon fruit...

I didn't realize this H Mart was carrying terds....
So this Pitaya (Dragon Fruit as they call it...and by "they", I mean people who don't know how to name fruit) is a very mild fruit.  It's flesh is like a kiwi with little black seeds.  Here is the inside...

So no glitter  :(
It's mildly sweet and is eaten raw or as a palate cleanser.  It actually doesn't have a ton of flavor.  Sometimes it is used to flavor tea or water.  Maybe I'll make some Dragon juice....too easy. Well I can't cook it or pair it with really strong flavors so at this point I am lost.  Then it hits me...Salsa!!!  But not regular salsa...something new and fresh!  Dragon Salsa...worst name ever!..but I can't think of anything else.  This fruit is super refreshing so I think it will make for an awesomely crisp summer salsa.

So now I have to find some chips.  Much to my surprise, they do not have sesame Doritos!  Ugh those would be so good.  This looks like chips, but it is not!

Don't be fooled! This is seaweed...and they sell it in the shape of chips...but it tastes like gross.

So I have the sesame crackers and some lady who spoke broken English told me to get these crackers that I can't read...

She was like holding them out towards me saying they were soooo good...so I felt obligated to buy them.  What a pusher. I mean, don't be a cracker bully.  If I pay $4.99 for these and they are gross then you are going down lady ....(don't make me throw my purse up in a tree...thank you Anjelah Johnson)

Here is the recipe....

Dragon Salsa (working title)

1/2 Dragon fruit, fine dice, about a cup
2 large tomatoes, fine dice
1/4 yellow bell pepper, fine dice
1 slice red onion, fine chop
1/2 avacado, firm, fine chop
2 cloves galic, chopped
10 Thai basil leaves, chopped
1 thai pepper, chopped
1/2 lime
1 tsp. seasoned rice vinegar
salt and pepper to taste

Side Notes...

-Thai peppers are spicy so you can leave it out
 -Make sure you get thai basil and not just basil.....huge difference
-get a firm avacado...it should feel like a tightened butt cheek muscle...but don't do that in the store...


This recipe is super easy.  You just have to chop everything and mix it together.

Mise en place...


 Oh...before you chop the tomatoes, lob the tops off and give them a squeeze to remove the seeds and slimy stuff...


 Then just mix everything together and give a good sqeeze of lime! Yum!
Beautiful!  I decided to serve this with the sesame chips.  Those crackers that the cracker bully made me buy were really sweet...but really good too....she's not a liar after all.

Here is another way to serve this as a one biter...


Hooray!!!  You guys are gonna love this! That's all for now....hold please...